A Vital Gift from Parents and Grandparents

This column originally appeared in a number of APG of East Central Minnesota newspapers during November, 2024

A vital gift from parents & grandparents

The last few months have helped me realize how right former Minnesota TV anchor Pat Miles is. In her immensely helpful book “Before All is Said and Done: Practical advice on Living and Dying Well”, Miles urges that parents and grandparents prepare, and share well ahead of time, “all the information that the people you leave behind are going to need if you don’t come home tonight.” She’s referring to sharing the information your children and grandchildren need before you pass. It’s a loving thing to do.

Miles recognizes that people often avoid this. We don’t like to talk about death. But as she explains, putting together in one place things like cell phone passwords, bank, credit card and other account numbers, names of important contact people – and of course a will – is all immensely helpful.

I experienced this situation over the last few months. A sibling passed, unexpectedly.  He wasn’t married. Our parents have passed. And he died in Lisbon, Portugal, where unknown to me, he had gone for medical treatment.

And he left no will.

So I have spent an almost overwhelming number of challenging hours trying to gather records. I also had to decide what he wanted done with his remains. I was lucky: his business partner helped.

I know people often don’t want to discuss these issues. But fortunately, our family’s religious leaders have strongly encouraged us to prepare.

Thankfully, my wife and I are in very good health. Nevertheless, we have put together the material that Miles suggests and shared it with our children. It was far from the most fun I’ve had with them, but it was the right thing to do.

I’ve learned, firsthand, why creating a will and sharing this information is a huge gift to your siblings, children and other family members.

Miles has a website with valuable interviews.  It’s found here: https://beforeallissaidanddone.com/

She wrote the book with Suzanne Watson. Though Miles’ husband was an attorney, he had not written down many basic things – like the password for his phone or credit and savings account numbers. I have experienced some of the frustration and anger that Miles describes, because so much vital information hadn’t been shared.

But “Before All is Said and Done” isn’t just about personal finance issues. It also encourages thinking about life after a loved one passes. Miles wrote “Part of what happens when you lose somebody is that you don’t want to accept that this has happened to you. It’s like this is not my life. This was my life. This can’t be my life. But it is your life, and you have to figure out how you want to spend the rest of it and what you want to do with it.”

This might sound depressing. Who wants to think about what happens after the love of your life dies? And some families are led by a single parent. Thinking about possibilities, and discussing them with people you love, can help make the difficult transition easier.

Miles explains: “If you wait to deal with bad things during bad times, you’ve waited too long. You need to deal with these things while you’re living good times. They’re easier to talk about, they’re easier to deal with, and it’s going to make life a lot easier for those who you leave behind. And that’s really the whole purpose of me writing this book.”

Joe Nathan, PhD, formerly a Minnesota public school educator and PTA president, founded and formerly directed the Center for School Change.  He’s now a Senior Fellow with the Center.  Reactions welcome, joe@centerforschoolchange.org